dreaming series 3

i do not know where we were going. but i remember being in a cab. you told me you were going home for a month to stay with you parents. you seem so happy to go home.
i realized how i also wanted to go home and see my family.

have mercy on me morpheus. i am helpless in the dreaming.

i just wrapped up dinner with the wells a couple of hours ago. this is my first dinner party on my own. i cooked a simple meal of chicken adobo (thanks for the recipe cernan!) and stir-fried mixed veggies. matt and charly brought merlot and pinot grigio. for dessert, we shared ben and jerry's coffee ice cream with heath bar bits and organic strawberry ice cream.

i had fun having them over. this is jonah's first visit to my apartment. he is obsessed with the guitars in the house. i played a couple of tunes for them, though i never got to finish because jonah wanted to jam with me. i will definitely look up children's songs for him.


last tuesday, i went out with my friend suzee to see "the waitress." suz is a great keri russell fan way back in her felicity days. it was a good flick to see with your girlfriend. the movie made me think of weird pie names, but i'd rather not disclose them here. charly thought up of a good pie for me : it's the "it's all about you" pie. it's got immature berries as its base. mwahaha.


at work, my kids seems to get more restless by the day. we are watching the dvd "freedom writers." they seem to enjoy it.



i got an email from the organizers of the nyc gay pride march. i am volunteering as some sort of a marshall for the parade. i'll attend the training the night i leave for my birthday weekend and the parade will be on the last sunday of june. i am so psyched because it has been my college fantasy to watch the gay pride parade. i've been here for seven years and i never got see any one of them. well, hello 2007. this gay rights advocate will not only watch the parade, i'm gonna be in it! yey!!!


if only i can get my camera charger and spare battery before the parade, then i'm all set.

we have a three day weekend because of memorial day. damn it, i hate weekends. di na bale, i'll get used to it soon.

oh by the way, i might have a part time job in june. hope this goes well.

buko pie files

nanonood ako ng he last holiday ngayon. i'm probably missing most of the movie since i am typing this post. it's been another trying day.


nagpunta ako sa isang seminar kanina. lalo lang lumakas ang opinyon ko about being stuck in a roomful of teachers. ewan ko. someday i hope not to end up like them--- loving the sound of their own voice.

nag-iiyak na naman ako on my way home kanina. di ko alam kung dala lang ito ng regla ko o talagang bumugso na naman ang matinding kalungkutan sa puso ko. alam kong darating atbdarating pa ang mga raw na ganito, na bigla na akong sasalakayin ng lungkot, awa sa sarili at pagsisisi sa mga pangyayari sa buhay ko.


sa isang buwan, kaarawan ko na. hindi ko ito inaabangan, dahil paano ba magsasaya ang pusong naglukluksa? pero mabait ang Diyos at pinagpala niya ako sa aking mga kaibigan. hindi ko kailangang umiyak nang mag-isa. nandiyan ang mga kaibigan kong nagmamahal sa akin na daramay sa akin sa madilim na pagtakda sa araw ng aking kapanganakan.

salbahe

mag-ingat ka

masama akong tao
mabagsik ang lason ng inggit
ang dumadaloy sa aking dugo


mag-ingat ka
masama akong tao
dahil sa oras ng aking pighati
nais kong idamay kayong lahat


mag-ingat ka
masama akong tao
lalamunin ko ang liwanag sa mundo
dahil ang puso ko ay naghihinagpis
walang sinuman ang dapat magsaya
pagka’t ako’y nagluluksa

mag-ingat ka
masama akong tao
dahil nangungulila ang labi ko sa tamis ng halik ng pag-ibig
bala ng pagkamuhi at malisya
ang pakakawalan ko sa aking bibig
masaktan kayong lahat!


mag-ingat ka
masama akong tao
sisipsipin ko ang pag-asa
sa inyong mga puso
magdusa kayong lahat


samahan ninyo ako
sa aking pag-iyak

dream series 2

i do not know what was going on in my grandmother's house. i just assumed there was a big event. candy and norbert were there, and so was aileen. for some reason, you were not there. there was only a hint of you. i was looking for you, but i could not find you.

many thanks to lord morpheus for keeping you away in my dreams. he knows, there is too much of you i need to forget in the waking world.

let my dreams be mine.

numb

i called back my mom late last night. she took my brother to pgh after yet again another episode. after a series of tests he was diagnosed with bilor disorder and depression. he will need medication for him to function.

for the second time in my life i heard my mother cry. she is so tired. so tired. so tired. i could not bear to hear my mother like that. i felt so powerless to help her.
this is too much for her.

i called you after this, because at that moment i lost it.

i shouldn't have called you.

i forgot i am alone now.

jay 1

i got a cyrptic text message from mom this morning. they were waiting for an ambulance to take jay to pgh.

well good morning sunshine, this is just how i would like to start my day-- with a side of tragedy with my morning shower.

i'll call her later in the day.

jay my dear brother, if i was only there by mom's side...

i would have smacked you myself.

out my door

my mother
as always,
knows best.
she told me
to do what i want to do,
until i get tired of it.

but my pride got the most of me.
so i kept my distance.
i left you
alone.


why did you have to call me,
and askme how i was?
what do you care?


it will not change things.
you will still be there,
and i,
here.

so what is it to you
if i enjoyed viewing the egyptian tomb
on display at the met?


why do you want to know?

is it to assuage your guilt?
to make you feel slightly better
that i do not cry
myself to sleep anymore?

do you want to know
if i am okay
so
you can go ahead
and tell me that once
and for all
that
we are over?

i thought we were over
the moment
you walked out my door.

so

why do you want to know?

i told you
you can do
what you want to do.

it's okay, really.
you already walked out my door.


what you do
with your time
is
not
my
business
anymore.

because

you already walked out my door.

asawa

katuwang kaisplit sa hirap at ginhawa
sing-sing, kasal

asa
na sana pang-habang buhay

sawa
na sa isa't-isa
di na sapat ang pag-ibig ng isa

awa
sa sarili
dahil akala mo
pang-habang buhay

wa
umiyak kang mag-isa
at patuyuin mo ang iyong luha

'til i can wait no more

i will find comfort in the ticking of the clocks
in my house
for i can not fight its motion
patience, i need to seek
in this simmering turmoil


you told me not to wait for you
but my heart is a stubborn fool
i can not teach it to move on
it seems to have been suspended
in midair


i can not tell my head
to tell my heart
not to wait for you
so many times i tried to
but i can't

and so i will wait here
as the leaves of time
wither away

i will wait
until i can wait no more.

unang liwanag

akala ko pa naman isang magandang araw and martes na ito. pwera luha, may ngiti sa labi, sinalubong ko ang araw na ito nang malumanay sa aking kalooban. tila tulog yata ang sugat ng puso ko ngayong araw na ito. marahil namamahinga muna dala ng pagod.

ngunit ang kirot ay muling sinundot ng malungkot na balita mula sa kaibigan kong si e. hindi nabuhay ay munting anghel sa kanyang sinapupunan. kinuha ng Maykapal ang kanilang panganay.

hindi ko napigilang lumuha para sa aking kaibigan.

nag-ihip ako ng piping halik sa hangin, kasama ng dasal ng kalakasan at pakikiramay sa aking naulilang kaibigan.

dream series 1

i was standing outside my lola's house. i was untangling the green and moldy garden hose when my mom approached me. she was holding a white envelope in her hands. "for you" she said. i asked her to open it for me. i knew who sent it. she opened the envelope and took out an oversized and hideously colored tie-dyed shirt. inside the folds of the cursed t-shirt was my husband's wedding ring.

i fell apart and sobbed inconsolably.

i woke up and continued crying.