inday mode

music: L A M B by Gwen Stefani


it's a sunny saturday noon, i'm still knee deep in cleaning up ze apartment. it never ceases to amaze how much mess i can make in a very short amount of time. add to that my ADD, and of course a one hour task can stretch for half the day. i honestly do not know which parent to blame for my overactive and often distracted mind. no matter, too late now, just imagine tasmanian devil trying to clean up while leaving a trail of mess in the process.

twisted, i tell ya.

it's a good thing i've got rockin' sounds to keep me company. gwen is the best music for cleaning up, so um yeah, i look like an idiot with my swiffer duster in one hand and the vacuum on the other, shimmying around the apartment in my curious george pajamas. goofy goofy goofy. thank goodness i got rid of my scooby doo fuzzy slippers.

okay, back to work.

back with a vengeance -- the return of the shoewhore

music : back on the chain gang by the pretenders

yesterday, armed with a medium cup of vanilla late from dunkin donuts, i braved the local streets of jersey to make my way to after christmas shopping. i have been good the past three months, with no money to spare and all, but i treated myself to new work shoes in celebration of my new job.( as if shoewhore needs any reason to buy a pair of fab shoes)

it saddens me that i no longer have benefits from a swanky shoe store, but there are still fab shoes everywhere. lookit my loot! i've been a bad girl, shoewhore took home three pairs yesterday ... enjoy!



this yummy number from report shoes, i got from macy's for $35. it's soft, comfy, and just the right height. perfect for dresses and slacks.





this flat number i got from steve madden. i really like gray shoes lately, and a nice flat pair is the ticket for jeans and black pants. i ended up paying $20 for this pair because it was buy one get one half off.

and this, fellow shoe lovers,is the crown jewel. a fabulous wedge in mustard. so cute!!! this was quite pricey for me,$80, but i gotta have it. it's super comfy and super cute on my negrita feet. great on dark wash bootcut jeans and chocolate brown chinos. i can't wait to wear it to school.





yun lang tengks.

payapang pasko

i spent christmas eve by my lonesome. it was a choice i made, no worries. my moonshine charly invited me to celebrate this occasion with her wonderful and loving family. i respectfully declined because i know i had to spend christmas this year, for my own sake.

my mom said it is wise to do so. i'd better get used to speding such things on my own.

i went to mass at 6:30 last night. it was a peaceful feeling to go to church without any petitions for myself. i went there to say my heartfelt thanks and celebrate Jesus' birthday.

back home in Los Banos, my lola celebrated her 75th birthday. i desperately wanted to be by my family's side. my lola's health is not so good, much so her disposition. i thought i would always hear the mirth in her resounding laughter, but it left her. i feel sad sometimes that most of what is left of her is this empty shell, a fragment of the woman who held our family together. but i am not hopeless about this. i intend to hear her laughter again soon, when i go home. but when? i still do not know.

in sydney, i know christmas is also quite sad. my aunt luz is still battling this deadly disease. i know her family and my uncle's family want nothing more than be in Los Banos as well, but the Pajes are scattered all over. we take comfort and give thanks to our lolo and lola for giving us happy memories of christmases past.

i look at my apartment, naked of any christmas decoration. next year, i know i will have a simple but meaningful belen in my home, an homage not only to our God, but homage to my family who made me who i am.

this year has been one of the turning points in my life. i have love and lost. i look back at the past 6 christmases with my aborted love and i realized that this seventh christmas, though lonely, is the one which is most meaningful.

i say a prayer to all of my family members. a kiss for my mother and two brothers.
a kiss for my dad. a kiss for my grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. a kiss to all my godchildren. i send all my friends the warmest hugs. to my friends and family here, i intend to reach them by phone or in person.

thanks to all of you who sent warm greetings, may your christmas be as meaningful and as peaceful as mine.

commercial muna

Swiped from Bang and Blame

[One] Who was your last text from?
- C - to drive carefully

[Two] Where was your default picture taken at?
- at home in september

[Three] What color shirt are you wearing?
- Black


[Four] Your current relationship status?
- it's complicated (ay shet prengster na prengster ang dating!)

[Five] Does your crush like you back?
- i think so

[Six] What is your current mood?
- peaceful- zen-ish

[Seven ] What's your moms name?
- Josefina

[Eight] What color bottoms are you wearing?
- gray

[Nine ] What was the last thing you drank?
- diet pepsi

[Ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
- yes

[Eleven] Have a crazy side?
- absolutely

[Twelve] Ever had a near death experience?
- january 2000
[Thirteen ] Something you do a lot?
- Procastinate

[Fourteen] Angry at anyone?
- No

[Fifteen] Do you wanna see somebody right now?
- yes, my family

[Sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as you?
- si mrs. lontoc, former elementary principal

[Seventeen ] When was the last time you cried?
- last week

[Eighteen ] Who would you do anything for?
- mom, jaypee and jay

[Nineteen] Who is your idol?
- mom, karen gianetti

[Twenty] What's the first thing that makes you look twice at the opposite sex?
- their scent. sucker ako sa mabango

[Twenty - one] What do you usually order from starbucks?
- i don't usually buy starbucks. dunkin donuts girl ako eh, i always take the toasted amlond latte -- medium, lukewarm, w/ whole milk, no sugar. sa starbucks i get the green tea iced latte

[Twenty -two] What's your biggest secret?
- i forgot what it was

[Twenty-four] Favorite movie?
- HP3

[Twenty- five] Do you still watch kiddie movies or tv shows.
- yesss. x men forever!

[Twenty -six ] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
- i've been bad, i just had BK fries drenched in malt vinegar, garlic salt and chili powder

[Twenty- seven] Do you speak any other language?
- little spanish, little korean, learning czech

[Twenty- eight] Whats your favorite smell?
- on myself - L by gwen stefani
on someone else - kenneth cole signature scent

[Twenty -nine] Describe your life in one word, what would it be?

- fantabulous

[ Thirty] Have you ever kissed in the rain?

- i can't remember.

[Thirty- one] Do you like the rain?
- yes, especially kapag emo mode

[Thirty -two] What are you thinking about right now?

- noo-ni-noo-ni-noo , umm someone

[Thirty -three] What should you be doing?

wrapping moonshine and jonah's presents

[Thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?

- C

[Thirty-five] What are you listening to?

- coco by colbie caillat

[Thirty -six] Do you like working in the yard?

- ano hilo?

[Thirty- seven ] If you could have any last name in the world, what would it be?

- gunne or schooter

[Thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?

- oo, mas mabait

[Thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color?

- dark brown

[Forty ] Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard?

- C

farewell friday

i just woke up from a buzz courtesy of 2 coronas and the crazy company of some of my fun loving, never boring co workers.
yesterday was one of the most bittersweet days i've had in the middle school. everyone was infected with holiday cheer. it should have been 100% happiness because friday was last day of the year and payday friday, but i was sad because this is officially my last day at the middle school, my home for the past four years.

i look back on things and i realize that i have no regrets about what happened. i had envisioned myself at this time of the year somewhere in canada, crying my eyes out, shivering in the cold, nursing a wounded heart. yet here i am, still in jersey. eyes clear, heart intact -- thanks to the men, women and children of this school who have taught this teacher so much.

i told my friend that at this point i have surrendered myself to the will of God. shocking right? but it's true. i used to pray for the things i want, the things i wish would happen. the past few months, i have learned to let go. i may not understand why things happen, but i know with faith, things will all work out.



i look at the girl who signed her resignation letter in june. the girl who wanted to forget everything, the girl who wanted to run away. she is still here, but there is a smile on her face and a song in her heart. many people got her back, and this is more than enough reason to embrace life.


now i understand why i was not able to get a full time job in september even though i sent in applications almost on a weekly basis. now i know why i got the job at my old school as a long term substitute providing in class support for the inclusion kids. now i know why i was not able to teach regular ed english and i had to hang out in karen's rooma nd get to know the wonderful students in her class. all of these things were in preparation for my next adventure, for my next show. with the help, guidance, wisdom and concern of karen, kay, brian, cynthia,and betsy i was able to see the special ed kids in my old school through different eyes. they are indeed special. not because of their special needs as students, but they are special because they try as hard, if not harder to succeed in school despite their needs. i have grown to love karen's kids. they make me laugh and they make me feel young. i have learned the power of patience and kindness because of these kids, and they had no idea that they were teaching me.

they threw me a party yesterday. they gifted me with a framed photograph of themselves. i already know where i will put that photograph in my new classroom in january. here are some pictures i took.

i said goodbye to my crazy 7th graders. i was hugged left and right, and i hugged back. one kid asked me to take a day off once in a while so i can spend the day in the middle school. another kid almost cried because he thought i was not going to leave the middle school. i have made a good friend with such awesome women-- a very talented and big hearted music teacher, and a gorgeous and caring research writing teacher. i will miss my family in the middle school, but i am comforted by the fact that i know i am always welcome to visit once in a while.

for now i look forward to establishing new relationships with my new students -- freshmen and sophomores, mostly potty mouthed six footers who i know are not the easiest bunch to teach. my only hope is that i can do right by them.

gandalf said something like this "the battle for middle earth has finally ended, the age of men has finally begun"

amen.

transitions

just got back from work's annual holiday dinner. normally, i wouldn't go, but k and k convinced me to attend for old time's sake. i figured i might as well since this is my last week in the middle school.


d and b joined us for some food and drinks. it is nice to know what they are doing okay in their new respective places of work and leisure. i would not want to think i am leaving my work family behind, i would like to think that i am just going on a vacation and that i will come back soon.

i am at a loss for what else to feel about m. i have been remiss in not celebrating something very important to her, i should have come to her and sucked in my physical and mental exhaustion, but i didn't. this i know i should have done. i always thought that since i consider her as the sister i never had, i can be honest with her about how i feel, but lately there seems to be a wrong and right answer. it seems all i have done is give her all the wrong ones.

i have never really been alone in my life. it sucks, but i am learning to embrace this solitude. there are still times when i do not feel so strong to handle happy occasions. my mother seems to be one of the two people who understands this about me. why be a wet blanket? but my polite refusal was seen as a personal rejection. it is not.


c went back home today. more hurdles to overcome, more challenges to face. i do hope whatever they may be, we can both make it, together or apart. for now i am happy and at peace that we have an understanding on a very integral aspect of our beings.


i sit here in the quiet darkness of my room with a sigh in my heart, a half smile on my face, and a prayer in my soul for the things that i can not understand, but must face and accept just the same.

tired, but still smiling

what a week it had been!

met with the HS principal

met with the teacher i'll be replacing

remembered/celebrated barkada's 18th anniv

spoke to chocnut

chatted with L

spoke to E

snow day thursday

hung out at home sunday

played hooky today

i am exhausted but happy.

palaisipan

eto na naman ako. nababano sa kakaisip. bakit kasi hindi ko na lang ipaubaya sa damdamin ang lahat? alam ko naman ang sagot dito.

sadyang tanging dasal lamang ang makapagpapahinga sa isip ng babaeng lito.

at sa susunod na pagtatagpo ng mga matang bughaw at kayumanggi, doon ko malalaman ang sagot.

hanggang ang isang linggo, zlaticko.

wide awake

music : bubbly by colbie caillat

so i really can't hold my liquor. moonshine and chocnut were witness to my wimpiness to drinking. but i can stay up til 3 am and wake up 2 hours later running on the voice and conversation of c. tsk tsk tsk, malala na ito. i wish i can say this is high school all over again, but i think this is way better than that, or is it?

new developments at work which i will write about on another post. just think freedom writers okay?


but here are two english words of the day : exotic and unique.

:)

a yaya weekend

music: these are days by the 10,000 maniacs

so bespren chocnut flew up here from texas to visit the big apple, myself and moonshine. we had a "slumber" party on friday night. i ended being the first to sleep after only two drinks.

the next day we took a ferry to the city to take a look at a few display windows on 5th ave. there were so many people, it's like divisoria all over again.
yesterday, r and i went to central plark to look for balto and take some pics. had lunch at saigon grill and union square and a bit of shopping at filene's basement and forever21.

click here for more pictures.