let the sunshine in

five days ago i have come to a very important decision about my near future. i have decided to stay in jersey and stick it out here. i accept the fact that i have acted on impulse and pure heart when i decided to move to canada and leave my past behind. i accept the fact that i have been too hasty to quit my job. but i do not regret making that mistake of losing my job because the realization that i have gotten from that experience is well worth it.

and so i am on a mission to find a job before school starts. i am hopeful, as always that everything will be alright.

bringing sexy back

background music : wind it up by gwen stefani


summer camp is almost over. the pressure is on. i have pushed back packing and sorting through my material possessions for as long as i had camp, and now that camp is over by tomorrow, i have no choice but to face the horcruxes of my not so distant past.

i had my first date in 16 years. the experience was euphoric. i was exhilirated by the whole experience of talking and having a great time with another person. i asked out m again, but i have not heard from him. oh well. the first date was something i will not forget for a while.

almost immediately after m, i spoke to d. the circumstances of how we talked was quite weird to me. but in the spirit of "fuck it, go for it" i forged on and spent several hours talking on the phone with this guy. i felt as giddy as i did with date number 1. the things we have in common were disarming. he sounded very nice.

how did the experiences of the past couple of weeks affect me? let me humor you.

1) i waltzed into target:
bought a set of lace underwear for maximum lift and separate. in doing so i realized that manufacturers made underwear in different colors to match top and bottom.

2) almost finished upgrading my underwear of mostly bland cotton panties and bras with black lace little things. i will hold a bonfire to lay to rest my cotton so-en panties and ridiculously juvenile (which i thought back then was cute) superhero boyleg panties. i am a superwoman and i don't need a pair of cotton panties to prove it.

3) bought a new pair of jeans a size smaller, and then bought another pair a size even smaller.

4) i think my girly self is coming out of my sensible, overthinking self.

5) for sleepwear, i have retired my oversized t-shirts and sporty shorts and upgraded them with black cotton chemises. i have come to the conclusion that sleeping sexy is better than sleeping blah.

6) replaced my freshly cut grass clean bodyshop minteva scent with the bodyshop's sexier scent called chymara.

7) walk with a spring in my step and smile unconsciously, much to the amusement of the clerks at the local dunkin donuts.

8) play gwen stefani's latest cd in bruce's sound system and bounce to track called "yummy"


because yes, i'm feelin yummy head to toe.

can somebody please restrain me when i get meself a whip?
purrr.

dreaming series 4

i was sitting with you on top of my great grandmother's toyota corona. the car was in the garage of my ancestral home in downtown los banos. it was demolished a long time ago,now a strip mall.

i knew that we were in our present age despite the very old and forgotten setting. at one time in my dream i was wearing that transformers t-shirt i got right after i saw the movie last weekend. i know that somehow it was the present because i wore my hair long and i was hiding my tattoo from you.

i was asking you how your trip was. you told me stories like you used to. we stole a few kisses in between stories.


i woke up with a start. the tears came again. hot and searing.


a few minutes after this, you texted me.

you just back from the philippines, you said. thought you'd let me know.

serendipity

this morning i met up with c to visit chinatown for sunday dimsum and canal street shopping (wink wink). after a satisfying brunch and an equally satisfying retail therapy, we got our asses back to nj by 12:30.

i got back to the apartment, hung-out for a while, showered and got myself back to the city to meet up with r. r was a fellow volunteer for this year's gay pride march in nyc. he was so sweet to wait for me in front of the cruise ship so i won't feel so out of place. i chatted with r(and the some of the crew) over chicken empanadas and a cosmopolitan. i did the signature joffin q and q and found out a bit more about r. after i found out that the cruise would finish by 10:30 pm, i decided to skip the cruise since i was already feeling seasick. luckily, g had the same idea in mind because he is so exhausted after a day of tennis. i asked g if i can walk with him back to the subway station.

g was one of the first friendly faces who spoke to me during the parade. he had an easygoing air about him. he is tall, well-dressed and he is very pleasant. at first i thought he was korean. he thought i was latina. he nudged me on the shoulder and quipped, "i didn't know you smoked!" and we hit it off right away.

back to today, g and i had the usual small talk. on our way to the subway station somewhere in the west village, i recognized a south east asian fusion bistro that i went to with a friend a few years back. he asked if i felt like having a bite to eat.

and what do you know?! over dinner of lechon kawali,lumpiang shanghai and thai iced tea, we exchanged stories of our lives -- almost mirror images of each other. he offered me a couch in his apartment. i offered him my ovaries. i knew i had made another wonderful friend for keeps. we talked about his mom, his past relationship, the opera, wagner, mozart, my past relationship, the MOMA. we scheduled a museum visit for our next date.

he rode the subway with me all the way to port authority.

i got to port authority a little after 10 pm. the bus that took me home was at 11 pm. i sat there patiently mulling over the events that took place this evening.

God has a way of putting people together.

i never had a gay boyfriend in college, but boy are they coming into my life in just the right time.

tattoo

so i got my tattoo done last week. i went to sacred tattoo in downtown nyc. it's a popular tattoo shop in the city with more than 30 years in the biz. matt adams was my tattoo artist. he specializes in japanese inspired tattoos. he's my age and muy cool. he has done several pieces that i really like. check out his website

back in college, i thought of getting a tattoo. i wanted it to be a trail of red ladybugs climbing my back. i thought that was cute. but the "rational/conservative" voice in me warned against it. what if decades from now i find myself in a nursing home with early dementia? i look myself in the mirror and find bugs crawling from my ass up to my back?! tragedy i tell you.

so i cancelled my plans of getting a tattoo. friends got theirs. briggs got one on her ankle. edong just got one on his arm. charly has one by her pelvis. jerrold has little triangular thingies on his knuckles.

more than a decade later , at this turning point in my life, the thought popped in my head again.

during the drunken hours of my birthday eve, i entertained the idea and asked my friend lubs what she would think if i get one. she was thrilled by the idea and admitted that she wanted to get one herself. she even suggested we get one together before i ride back to nj, sort of a birthday present to myself.

and so, the idea simmered in my head. i researched tattoo websites and read on FAQs on how painful it may be. finally, on july 7 i planned a trip to the city to sacred tattoo. alas, i did not get my tattoo on that auspicious day because matt was too tired. i did not want to risk getting a tattoo from an overworked artist. no. i can wait. i scheduled my session for the following day.

i was at sacred tattoo a few minutes before our appointed time. matt and i brainstormed on what tattoo i had wanted. and this is how it looks like.




the session took almost two hours with three mini breaks. i brought along a graphic novel to keep my mind off the whirring needles and of course, the pain. matt was a very cool guy. we listened to jam music and we talked in between. did it hurt? yes, but not as painful as i have anticipated. did it hurt? this kind of pain is nothing to the one inflicted in my heart.

and so, by dusk i sauntered out of sacred tattoo feeling like a big girl and a whole new person. my friend from blogging berks put it best. it is time to let my ankh bearing phoenix fly unfettered.

tattoo

the idea of inking myself is getting more and more appealing to me. i found me a place in downtown nyc. it's a only a matter of when i will have it done that needs to be decided upon.

in testament to my new life i choose to put a phoenix on my back. i am still a bit squeamish about the pain and the needles, but what of it... it'll pass.

happy independence day.

maritess and my superprends

maritess is what my lolo joaquin calls my ate atet. she's actually my second eldest aunt in my dad'd side of the family. i find it only fitting to write about her. she is the brains in the family. when i was younger i remembered she used to suffer from frequent migraines. my aunts and uncles would tease her and attribute her migraines to too much studying. indeed, all the studying paid off because she has been a consistent honor srudent from elementary to grad school.

my ate atet is very mild mannered. i have not heard her swear at anyone in anger. she is very kind and oh so very selfless. she is also a very spiritual woman. she used to teach me and my classmates cathechism. she is hardworking, just and compassionate.

when i was having troubles with my mom and dad, she took me in. i lived with her for a year. i learned a lot of household chores and life lessons from her. after college, she migrated to canada with my ate iya.

i migrated to jersey almost seven years ago, and with the new cards dealt upon me, i find myself in the exact same spot 13 years ago; i am lost and i've nowhere to go.

ate atet did not think twice in opening the doors of her home for me. she selflessly offered to take me in, the second time around. and so, in a month or two, i will call her home mine as well. i told her of my fears about starting over, i told her of my weakness. she consoled me with soothing words and the comfort of prayers.

my auntie maritess, you have saved me again. salamat. salamat. salamat. kailan ko kaya masusuklian ang iyong kabutihan?



superfriends

in the past two months i have witnessed the comings and goings of dear friends. some i lost long ago. one bowed out. one took off. but the sun shines again and its light made me appreciate the numerous hands that have been with me through it all.

i reconnected with a dear old friend. it seemed we were never apart. from our first bottle of the bar which gave us hideous hives, to our first drag of blue seal cigarettes, giddy stories of our first kiss, first dates, to divorce and moving on.
we sat in her backyard savoring the unspoken creed of sisterhood which has been strengthened by laughter, tears, lost love and love found. we both knew neither one of us really left the other. olga, you and i are indeed sisters. i am honored to be yours whenever, wherever this road takes us.

candy has been a welcome gift to me. those two years she spent in jersey were such good times. i felt reconnected to my old self. i enjoyed having her and n over for dinner and tv watching. she moved back to cali a month before this thing fell apart, but in spirit, she is always with me. she never had a bad thing to say during times when i was upset or crying hysterically. i always enjoy talking with her and catching up on things : her apartment, her new job, the potter saga, music, movies, feelings and other things that make friendship such important part of my life.


karen g has been my unofficial mother since i took my first step inside the school i have called my home for the past three years. it is indeed funny how i found myself stomping off to her room two doors away from mine. her fiery italian heart proved to be the strongest shield that i held on to during the times when i questioned my capabilities and skills as an educator. and yet, our friendship extended beyond work. her tissue box was there at my disposal. she cried with me and spelled things out clearly. from her i gathered my strength and composure before heading back to class as if everything was peachy.

she refuses to say goodbye to me. and i know this move to canada will not be goodbye for us. i'll see her again, and she is in my heart forever. i only wish i can be as loving, generous and fierce as she as i get older.


charly, you said that our friendship was written in the stars. born to the day half-a year apart, we somehow found our way to each other. never in my wildest dreams did i even think that i would find you in wee little leonia. i almost gave up on the idea of making friends here in my adopted country, but our paths crossed and we have been inseparable since. i treasure every minute i spend with you, jonah and matt. i always felt welcome and involved in your home. it really saddens me that i won't be there when jonah takes his first steps or say his first words, but you know i am just an email away. and who knows? maybe after some time, when my wounds have healed, i will find my back back to jersey and resume my life. there is always hope.


richard - i can not help but think that God sent you to me that day in NYC. we hardly spoke about anything of substance that day, just the usual polite small talk. you have opened my heart to joys of loving and expressing myself. you make me laugh. you always make me smile. i feel like the fox in san exupery's novel, for i have found a true friend in you. ours is a friendship that need not physical contact. i do not know when i will see you again, but our hearts are forever linked. i know why charly is your friend. thanks for our late night talks, dale chihully and laurie notaro. thank you for reloading the power of i love you in my mind. you truly are our very own care bear.

bd - i can count the number of times we actually spoke to each other face to face, yet i feel that even though we mostly communicated over chat, your sincerity and your no bullshit insights are as good as telling it straight to my face. you were one of the first people i spoke to when this thing fell apart. you make me feel that everything will be okay and in a way i believe you because you have been through this road before. i wish you well in your endeavors, and someday you, your beloved and i can enjoy a pleasant meal or drinks and talk about happy times and your next project.



thank you maritess and my superfriends.

i'll bring in the next bunch of superfriends in another post.