payapang pasko

i spent christmas eve by my lonesome. it was a choice i made, no worries. my moonshine charly invited me to celebrate this occasion with her wonderful and loving family. i respectfully declined because i know i had to spend christmas this year, for my own sake.

my mom said it is wise to do so. i'd better get used to speding such things on my own.

i went to mass at 6:30 last night. it was a peaceful feeling to go to church without any petitions for myself. i went there to say my heartfelt thanks and celebrate Jesus' birthday.

back home in Los Banos, my lola celebrated her 75th birthday. i desperately wanted to be by my family's side. my lola's health is not so good, much so her disposition. i thought i would always hear the mirth in her resounding laughter, but it left her. i feel sad sometimes that most of what is left of her is this empty shell, a fragment of the woman who held our family together. but i am not hopeless about this. i intend to hear her laughter again soon, when i go home. but when? i still do not know.

in sydney, i know christmas is also quite sad. my aunt luz is still battling this deadly disease. i know her family and my uncle's family want nothing more than be in Los Banos as well, but the Pajes are scattered all over. we take comfort and give thanks to our lolo and lola for giving us happy memories of christmases past.

i look at my apartment, naked of any christmas decoration. next year, i know i will have a simple but meaningful belen in my home, an homage not only to our God, but homage to my family who made me who i am.

this year has been one of the turning points in my life. i have love and lost. i look back at the past 6 christmases with my aborted love and i realized that this seventh christmas, though lonely, is the one which is most meaningful.

i say a prayer to all of my family members. a kiss for my mother and two brothers.
a kiss for my dad. a kiss for my grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. a kiss to all my godchildren. i send all my friends the warmest hugs. to my friends and family here, i intend to reach them by phone or in person.

thanks to all of you who sent warm greetings, may your christmas be as meaningful and as peaceful as mine.