inday mode

music: L A M B by Gwen Stefani


it's a sunny saturday noon, i'm still knee deep in cleaning up ze apartment. it never ceases to amaze how much mess i can make in a very short amount of time. add to that my ADD, and of course a one hour task can stretch for half the day. i honestly do not know which parent to blame for my overactive and often distracted mind. no matter, too late now, just imagine tasmanian devil trying to clean up while leaving a trail of mess in the process.

twisted, i tell ya.

it's a good thing i've got rockin' sounds to keep me company. gwen is the best music for cleaning up, so um yeah, i look like an idiot with my swiffer duster in one hand and the vacuum on the other, shimmying around the apartment in my curious george pajamas. goofy goofy goofy. thank goodness i got rid of my scooby doo fuzzy slippers.

okay, back to work.

back with a vengeance -- the return of the shoewhore

music : back on the chain gang by the pretenders

yesterday, armed with a medium cup of vanilla late from dunkin donuts, i braved the local streets of jersey to make my way to after christmas shopping. i have been good the past three months, with no money to spare and all, but i treated myself to new work shoes in celebration of my new job.( as if shoewhore needs any reason to buy a pair of fab shoes)

it saddens me that i no longer have benefits from a swanky shoe store, but there are still fab shoes everywhere. lookit my loot! i've been a bad girl, shoewhore took home three pairs yesterday ... enjoy!



this yummy number from report shoes, i got from macy's for $35. it's soft, comfy, and just the right height. perfect for dresses and slacks.





this flat number i got from steve madden. i really like gray shoes lately, and a nice flat pair is the ticket for jeans and black pants. i ended up paying $20 for this pair because it was buy one get one half off.

and this, fellow shoe lovers,is the crown jewel. a fabulous wedge in mustard. so cute!!! this was quite pricey for me,$80, but i gotta have it. it's super comfy and super cute on my negrita feet. great on dark wash bootcut jeans and chocolate brown chinos. i can't wait to wear it to school.





yun lang tengks.

payapang pasko

i spent christmas eve by my lonesome. it was a choice i made, no worries. my moonshine charly invited me to celebrate this occasion with her wonderful and loving family. i respectfully declined because i know i had to spend christmas this year, for my own sake.

my mom said it is wise to do so. i'd better get used to speding such things on my own.

i went to mass at 6:30 last night. it was a peaceful feeling to go to church without any petitions for myself. i went there to say my heartfelt thanks and celebrate Jesus' birthday.

back home in Los Banos, my lola celebrated her 75th birthday. i desperately wanted to be by my family's side. my lola's health is not so good, much so her disposition. i thought i would always hear the mirth in her resounding laughter, but it left her. i feel sad sometimes that most of what is left of her is this empty shell, a fragment of the woman who held our family together. but i am not hopeless about this. i intend to hear her laughter again soon, when i go home. but when? i still do not know.

in sydney, i know christmas is also quite sad. my aunt luz is still battling this deadly disease. i know her family and my uncle's family want nothing more than be in Los Banos as well, but the Pajes are scattered all over. we take comfort and give thanks to our lolo and lola for giving us happy memories of christmases past.

i look at my apartment, naked of any christmas decoration. next year, i know i will have a simple but meaningful belen in my home, an homage not only to our God, but homage to my family who made me who i am.

this year has been one of the turning points in my life. i have love and lost. i look back at the past 6 christmases with my aborted love and i realized that this seventh christmas, though lonely, is the one which is most meaningful.

i say a prayer to all of my family members. a kiss for my mother and two brothers.
a kiss for my dad. a kiss for my grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. a kiss to all my godchildren. i send all my friends the warmest hugs. to my friends and family here, i intend to reach them by phone or in person.

thanks to all of you who sent warm greetings, may your christmas be as meaningful and as peaceful as mine.

commercial muna

Swiped from Bang and Blame

[One] Who was your last text from?
- C - to drive carefully

[Two] Where was your default picture taken at?
- at home in september

[Three] What color shirt are you wearing?
- Black


[Four] Your current relationship status?
- it's complicated (ay shet prengster na prengster ang dating!)

[Five] Does your crush like you back?
- i think so

[Six] What is your current mood?
- peaceful- zen-ish

[Seven ] What's your moms name?
- Josefina

[Eight] What color bottoms are you wearing?
- gray

[Nine ] What was the last thing you drank?
- diet pepsi

[Ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
- yes

[Eleven] Have a crazy side?
- absolutely

[Twelve] Ever had a near death experience?
- january 2000
[Thirteen ] Something you do a lot?
- Procastinate

[Fourteen] Angry at anyone?
- No

[Fifteen] Do you wanna see somebody right now?
- yes, my family

[Sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as you?
- si mrs. lontoc, former elementary principal

[Seventeen ] When was the last time you cried?
- last week

[Eighteen ] Who would you do anything for?
- mom, jaypee and jay

[Nineteen] Who is your idol?
- mom, karen gianetti

[Twenty] What's the first thing that makes you look twice at the opposite sex?
- their scent. sucker ako sa mabango

[Twenty - one] What do you usually order from starbucks?
- i don't usually buy starbucks. dunkin donuts girl ako eh, i always take the toasted amlond latte -- medium, lukewarm, w/ whole milk, no sugar. sa starbucks i get the green tea iced latte

[Twenty -two] What's your biggest secret?
- i forgot what it was

[Twenty-four] Favorite movie?
- HP3

[Twenty- five] Do you still watch kiddie movies or tv shows.
- yesss. x men forever!

[Twenty -six ] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
- i've been bad, i just had BK fries drenched in malt vinegar, garlic salt and chili powder

[Twenty- seven] Do you speak any other language?
- little spanish, little korean, learning czech

[Twenty- eight] Whats your favorite smell?
- on myself - L by gwen stefani
on someone else - kenneth cole signature scent

[Twenty -nine] Describe your life in one word, what would it be?

- fantabulous

[ Thirty] Have you ever kissed in the rain?

- i can't remember.

[Thirty- one] Do you like the rain?
- yes, especially kapag emo mode

[Thirty -two] What are you thinking about right now?

- noo-ni-noo-ni-noo , umm someone

[Thirty -three] What should you be doing?

wrapping moonshine and jonah's presents

[Thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?

- C

[Thirty-five] What are you listening to?

- coco by colbie caillat

[Thirty -six] Do you like working in the yard?

- ano hilo?

[Thirty- seven ] If you could have any last name in the world, what would it be?

- gunne or schooter

[Thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?

- oo, mas mabait

[Thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color?

- dark brown

[Forty ] Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard?

- C

farewell friday

i just woke up from a buzz courtesy of 2 coronas and the crazy company of some of my fun loving, never boring co workers.
yesterday was one of the most bittersweet days i've had in the middle school. everyone was infected with holiday cheer. it should have been 100% happiness because friday was last day of the year and payday friday, but i was sad because this is officially my last day at the middle school, my home for the past four years.

i look back on things and i realize that i have no regrets about what happened. i had envisioned myself at this time of the year somewhere in canada, crying my eyes out, shivering in the cold, nursing a wounded heart. yet here i am, still in jersey. eyes clear, heart intact -- thanks to the men, women and children of this school who have taught this teacher so much.

i told my friend that at this point i have surrendered myself to the will of God. shocking right? but it's true. i used to pray for the things i want, the things i wish would happen. the past few months, i have learned to let go. i may not understand why things happen, but i know with faith, things will all work out.



i look at the girl who signed her resignation letter in june. the girl who wanted to forget everything, the girl who wanted to run away. she is still here, but there is a smile on her face and a song in her heart. many people got her back, and this is more than enough reason to embrace life.


now i understand why i was not able to get a full time job in september even though i sent in applications almost on a weekly basis. now i know why i got the job at my old school as a long term substitute providing in class support for the inclusion kids. now i know why i was not able to teach regular ed english and i had to hang out in karen's rooma nd get to know the wonderful students in her class. all of these things were in preparation for my next adventure, for my next show. with the help, guidance, wisdom and concern of karen, kay, brian, cynthia,and betsy i was able to see the special ed kids in my old school through different eyes. they are indeed special. not because of their special needs as students, but they are special because they try as hard, if not harder to succeed in school despite their needs. i have grown to love karen's kids. they make me laugh and they make me feel young. i have learned the power of patience and kindness because of these kids, and they had no idea that they were teaching me.

they threw me a party yesterday. they gifted me with a framed photograph of themselves. i already know where i will put that photograph in my new classroom in january. here are some pictures i took.

i said goodbye to my crazy 7th graders. i was hugged left and right, and i hugged back. one kid asked me to take a day off once in a while so i can spend the day in the middle school. another kid almost cried because he thought i was not going to leave the middle school. i have made a good friend with such awesome women-- a very talented and big hearted music teacher, and a gorgeous and caring research writing teacher. i will miss my family in the middle school, but i am comforted by the fact that i know i am always welcome to visit once in a while.

for now i look forward to establishing new relationships with my new students -- freshmen and sophomores, mostly potty mouthed six footers who i know are not the easiest bunch to teach. my only hope is that i can do right by them.

gandalf said something like this "the battle for middle earth has finally ended, the age of men has finally begun"

amen.

transitions

just got back from work's annual holiday dinner. normally, i wouldn't go, but k and k convinced me to attend for old time's sake. i figured i might as well since this is my last week in the middle school.


d and b joined us for some food and drinks. it is nice to know what they are doing okay in their new respective places of work and leisure. i would not want to think i am leaving my work family behind, i would like to think that i am just going on a vacation and that i will come back soon.

i am at a loss for what else to feel about m. i have been remiss in not celebrating something very important to her, i should have come to her and sucked in my physical and mental exhaustion, but i didn't. this i know i should have done. i always thought that since i consider her as the sister i never had, i can be honest with her about how i feel, but lately there seems to be a wrong and right answer. it seems all i have done is give her all the wrong ones.

i have never really been alone in my life. it sucks, but i am learning to embrace this solitude. there are still times when i do not feel so strong to handle happy occasions. my mother seems to be one of the two people who understands this about me. why be a wet blanket? but my polite refusal was seen as a personal rejection. it is not.


c went back home today. more hurdles to overcome, more challenges to face. i do hope whatever they may be, we can both make it, together or apart. for now i am happy and at peace that we have an understanding on a very integral aspect of our beings.


i sit here in the quiet darkness of my room with a sigh in my heart, a half smile on my face, and a prayer in my soul for the things that i can not understand, but must face and accept just the same.

tired, but still smiling

what a week it had been!

met with the HS principal

met with the teacher i'll be replacing

remembered/celebrated barkada's 18th anniv

spoke to chocnut

chatted with L

spoke to E

snow day thursday

hung out at home sunday

played hooky today

i am exhausted but happy.

palaisipan

eto na naman ako. nababano sa kakaisip. bakit kasi hindi ko na lang ipaubaya sa damdamin ang lahat? alam ko naman ang sagot dito.

sadyang tanging dasal lamang ang makapagpapahinga sa isip ng babaeng lito.

at sa susunod na pagtatagpo ng mga matang bughaw at kayumanggi, doon ko malalaman ang sagot.

hanggang ang isang linggo, zlaticko.

wide awake

music : bubbly by colbie caillat

so i really can't hold my liquor. moonshine and chocnut were witness to my wimpiness to drinking. but i can stay up til 3 am and wake up 2 hours later running on the voice and conversation of c. tsk tsk tsk, malala na ito. i wish i can say this is high school all over again, but i think this is way better than that, or is it?

new developments at work which i will write about on another post. just think freedom writers okay?


but here are two english words of the day : exotic and unique.

:)

a yaya weekend

music: these are days by the 10,000 maniacs

so bespren chocnut flew up here from texas to visit the big apple, myself and moonshine. we had a "slumber" party on friday night. i ended being the first to sleep after only two drinks.

the next day we took a ferry to the city to take a look at a few display windows on 5th ave. there were so many people, it's like divisoria all over again.
yesterday, r and i went to central plark to look for balto and take some pics. had lunch at saigon grill and union square and a bit of shopping at filene's basement and forever21.

click here for more pictures.

like the weather

music : like the weather by the 10,000 maniacs


these days i feel like going to sleep most of the times. i spent thanksgiving weekend in bed. mostly i was sick. but now the physical sickness has passed. it is something else that is pissing me off.


so i sleep. and sleep a dreamless sleep.

'til tuesday

our school finally had its much anticipated latino heritage presentation today. it was such a treat to see my students perform on stage.

i also got to see Lynn, my librarian friend. she's hosting a Harry Potter book club at my school's library. i promised i'll go next week and join the fun with fellow potterheads.

i posted new pictures here. take a look, dali!

still waiting for word from the board of ed about my employment. keep your fingers crossed.

thanksgiving is two days away. i have a lot to thank for this year.

i have a dinner invite from a highschool classmate who will be hosting the dinner for another batchmate who will be in town next week. chocnut will be visiting next week as well. yipee!

black and blue, but still standing and smiling

black and blue by edie brickell and the new bohemians

i am running on three hours of sleep and probably half a gallon of coffee. i should really meet up with morpheus after posting this.

i went to my public library on my lunch break yesterday. i was so excited to go there and get a copy of fairy tales from c's side of the world. but of course durga the dork had to borrow fairy tales from poland, ireland and the philippines as well. on my way down the stairs i lost my balance. books went flying in all directions and even my red shoes escaped my feet. luckily i was able to break my fall, but my poor right knee and my shins took all the brunt.

it would've been funny, but i was in so much pain i couldn't laugh at myself. i went back to school, got an ice pack from the nurse and sulked at karen's room. K was so sweet because she noticed that my uppler lip was a mile long and i was cursing myself under my breath. her kids were amused at my misery, probably because they have not seen this sulky side of me.

i went to 9th period to assist C and then i got called on the school's PA by the principal.

great.

what did i do now?

i limped my way to the principal's office. my brows were in a frezy knot. i was trying to think if i yelled at a kid earlier in the day. i know i didn't. what could mr. p want from me.

well whoppee doo! it seems i might be back in my old school after all. they are still ironing out the kinks with the HR people, but here's hoping i would be back by the second trimester.

i was so happy at this development that i practically skipped my way back to 9th period.

i was so overwhelmed by this news that i cried as i drove my way to tutoring with richard and olivia.

i literally forgot i had three gigantic bruises on my legs.


btw, i am trying to learn how to speak polish. next week, i'll try to learn arabic for my new student's sake.


noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.

reclaiming the weekend

music: ebtg's i didn't know i was looking for love

still sleepless, but trying to catch up on 40 winks is easier said than done. it seems the 24 hours on my clock's face is not enough to find some sleep, but i'll get what i can.


c and i went to mitsuwa on sunday and c went nuts. it was so much fun watching c take in mitsuwa with such innocent awe and intrigue. by the time we left, durga was a happy girl because she had her fill of her favorite soft serve green tea ice cream. c loaded up on the weirdest japanese snacks and candies he could find, a couple cans of japanese beer and two mini bottles of sake -- crazy milk and cloudy sake.


i had intended to cook but i was too pooped to create a proper chicken adobo so c will have to wait. durga's adobo is not something to be hurried. so instead we had prok barbeque and veggies from the barbeque pit. oh and i had 3/4 bottle of red horse. man, that really whooped me. i almost fell asleep during dinner. note to self : do not drink red horse in the company of not so close friends. c thought it was amusing that i was fighting sleep because of this strong filipino beer. even he said it was strong, ha! i want to compare red horse to his beer. or maybe his crazy friend would be a better judge.


last night i got on j's treadmill for 20 minutes. a great workout. today i will up my time to at least 40. it's a good feeling to sweat again while the tem is freezing
outside.


i can't get enough of kenneth cole's signature fragrance.


sigh.

dreaming series 6

music : bruised but not broken by joss stone

i was walking under the NRW station in 30th avenue in queens. he showed up from behind wearing a brown and blue plaid pajamas and a dark blue hoodie. i did not recognize him 'til his face came close to mine.

then all of a sudden we were in my car. he gave me a cd portfolio of all the cds i had. i played one in my car. i noticed that he had a faux mohawk on. i did not remember what he said, nor was my dreaming self paying attention to him. my mind was somewhere else.

in the next scene he was sad. i did not know what i said, but i remember feeling so distant from this man. what was it about him that made me love him? i looked at his face and it was a face of a stranger that i saw. he is this man but i do not know this man anymore.

i woke up. it's 6 am today.

no tears.

a shrug.

i said my morning prayers and thanked Him that this man haunts me in my dreams
no longer.

let the N train's sliding doors close now.
i pray that he reaches his destination, bacause i've arrived at mine.

and i'm staying.

the best stress buster ....

is kissing the cutest pumpkin in the world.

yeah, i've been mum for a while. not for lack of anything to blog because believe you me virginia, a lot has happened. but i can't put a finger to it. what parts of my last two weeks can i blog about without compromising people's identities? hence the long absence.

anyway, i figured i can at least write about the mundane stuff and the gp stuff. so here goes.

i've been helping out my co-teachers in school as an in class support for a few inclusion classes as i've mentioned in earlier posts. i assist in two math classes, 3 science classes, 2 research paper writing classes and a sixth grade language arts class. my schedule is pretty much like it used to be -- averaging five classes most days.
i've been making progress in math. i was so thrilled to learn and actually understand the slope and math similarities. i wish i had this understanding in math when i was in high school. it would've made a whole lot of difference.

the research paper writing classes are the most rewarding for me because these classes make me feel very needed indeed. i have several students with learning disabilities and it is really quite a struggle for them to read, much more write a research paper. i have a lot of respect for their teacher. it is very very difficult not to lose one's head with a class like that.

i've befriended a 7th grader who just transferred from saudi arabia. i can only imagine how miserable it must feel to be transplanted from one's home to a totally new place where one does not understand the language. a smile from this kid was all i needed to decide that he will be my next gratis ESL project. i feel good to be able to help him in what little way i can.

this whole inclusion in class support thing has also opened my eyes towards the special ed kids. i've always thought i can never teach special ed kids because i lack the patience to deal with them. i think i'm getting better with relating to them. ah, must be my sense of humor that wins them over. these days i hang out with k and her kids. they are a crazy group, and they drive her nuts sometimes, but she loves them dearly. i'm beginning to fall in love with them too, because deep inside they are kids after all, they just learn differently.

i made a new friend. he just blows my mind to say the least, but it's been good so far. i enjoy the company and meaningful conversations. it's also a good feeling to have someone i can spend hours in the bookstore and ikea with as well as walks in the park.

here are the top pics and moments of the past 2 weeks....

sunday service at the times square church -- gospel choir extraordinaire

a walk in central park

beef goulash with dumpling



jonah's cute halloween costume

a water/lightshow in ceasar's in AC


a gigantic chupa chups from AC's biggest candy store


breathtaking fall foliage in dunkerhook park

and

sticky rice with green tea ice cream.



we're having a long weekend due to the NJEA's teacher's convention in AC. i'm going out with moonshine and pumpkin this morning, and meeting up with candy hopefully this afternoon.

i can't wait for chocnut's visit in the big apple. durga, chocnut and and moonshine will have a sleepover, a tour of the city's display windows, and lotsa lotsa talking.
screeeeee!!!!

sog-bu

music: overdrive by e-heads


i went out with r, aka gay bf# 3. we had dinner here....



this is me and r before our dinner came


yummy laing


spicy but succulent kaldereta


my dinner plate of chicken inasal and lumpiang shanghai


no room for dessert, but two very happy filipinos, the sweet smiles are enough

disappearing a**

music : headturner by joss stone

warning : rant alert. this post is a litany of jane's whining about losing weight, so skip this if you have no more patience for today.


i just came from target to get a card to go with my pasalubong for a friend. of course i lost my way in the women's clothing section and picked up a pair of black leggings and a pair of brown work pants. again. in the past three weeks i've purchased and have altered three different pants in three different sizes. my aunt told me this whole weight loss thing will be an exciting experience for me, shopping wise. not really since i don't really have the money to buy new clothes, and believe me i need new clothes because 80% of my clothes do not fit me anymore.

i feel bad because i love my old clothes. even though i was fat (yes, virginia, i can say it, i was fat, that's the truth)i had cute and trendy clothes. i love dressing up for work. now my cute frocks are packed in suitcases waiting to be shipped to my mom where they will find new homes to love and wear them. sigh. i feel stupid for giving away to salvation army bags and bags of clothes which were too tight on me, back in the summer. but come to think of it, even those won't fit me now.

i find myself playing a game of catch with some of my clothes. i have been guilty of shopping for cute tops which were a size smaller for me in the hope that one day i would fit into them. i know this is a fashion no-no, but for this instance, i can say it's very rewarding. i just remembered i had a mustard yellow cute top that i've never worn, but purchased 2 years ago. i put it on yesterday and it fits perfectly! but this is a rarity. i have gone from a size twelve to a size 6 in five months and i was too clueless to enjoy my size 10 clothes of "leaner" years. and you know what, the pair of pants i bought today were a size 4. madre de dios. if i hit a size 2 make me go to rehab.

and don't get me started on shoes. most of my shoes are loose now. i think i'm back to a 6 1/2 dammit.

i don't even want to think about underwear. i might just cry.

okay bitchslap me now. i know i should be happy that i lost weight and i feel really good about myself, much lighter i guess, but one can not be happy when one does not have the money to buy clothes that fit.

so you'd yell at me and say "stop losing weight already!" i'm trying, really. it's not like i'm on a strict diet or something. neither am i starving myself. i just eat small portions and i stay away from rich, fat and carb laden food. i almost don't eat rice. i have no bigas at home. i jokingly told candy that when X walked out of the house, so did rice.

it's just that food does not hold that much allure to me anymore. eating for me, is a necessity. and dining? for me it's a social thing. i eat when i'm with friends, otherwise i eat for sustenance. later today i'll be dining with gay bf #3 in the city, so i'll be eating alright.


i'm still going to jog, i'll still eat right, but i think i'll stop losing weight for now (okay maybe 5 more lbs?) before my ass disappears from the face of this earth.

recurring nightmare

so part of my job as a long term floating substitute (makes me sound like a hogwart's ghost, no?) is to be the in class support to the 8th grade algebra class.

ukinang shet. this is durga's worst nightmare come to life. here i am, 31 and re learning algebra.

whopee- effing- do.

2nd best thing

it was my last day at the liquor store today. i was kinda sad to go, to leave the beautiful and kind people i worked with the past 3 weeks. but i am also happy to get back to my turf-- the school. i'm excited to surprise my 8th graders on monday.

i had dinner with my gay bf #2 , greg. we were supposed to have dinner at cafe lalo, but decided to pig out at saigon grill. over grilled pork chops, grilled cubed beef, stir fried tofu and veggies and iced thai tea, we caught up on each other's lives. the last time i saw greg was in august when we had a date at the MOMA.

after dinner we had planned to have coffee and dessert at cafe lalo. to our disappointment, the restaurant was closed for renovations. so we picked up a chocolate pastry at zabars, coffee from starbucks and hung out on the benches outside the closed cafe, periodically informing disappointed diners that the cafe is closed.

greg is such a great friend. he is handsome, funny and very kind. pero bastos din. too bad he's gay. i actually felt good walking next to him because he is well dressed, smells good, and six feet tall. i would have the illusion that i am walking with a boyfriend. alas, he has more kembot than i do.( he walks in a more feminine way than i do) oh well. hahaha.

we're planning a sleep over at his place on marathon weekend so we can jog at central park. o di ba, dalwang bakla nagja-jogging? tee-hee.

it's over and out for me tonight. need to catch some beauty sleep for tomorrow's date. wink wink.

noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.

iskul bukol and getting my toes wet again

music : these are days by the 10,000 maniacs

today concludes my babysitting job at the alternative school. of course spending 7 hours a day with each other, it couldn't be helped that i've bonded with them.

the three kids worked very well today. z went back to regular school and another 7th grader, v joined x and y. v was upset to know that i will not be there tomorrow. x and y are due back to regular school because they finished their 3 day suspension. v has until tomorrow.

tomorrow and saturday i go back to the liquor store in manhattan.

my former principal asked me to cover an overload 8th grade class tentatively until the end of november. starting monday i will be a long term sub back at my old middle school, so i am thrilled. so are my colleagues. i am excited to go back because i do miss my family at the middle school, and i miss the kids. i'm now excited to plan my wardrobe for the next several weeks. patay, kung kelan wala na akong pantalon na kasya sa akin. noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.


i must say that i will miss my co-workers at the liquor store no matter how short a time i've worked there. they are all good people. but my heart calls me back into the comfort of the classroom.

i hope things will work out well.

may the force be with durga.

just another day

i was assigned to the alternative middle school today to supervise three kids who have been suspended for unacceptable behavior. today is day one of my assignment.

i hung out at the middle school for a good hour to wait for the secretary to collect work from the teachers. my job is to make sure that the three kids do their assigned work. i readily accepted this assignment because i thought it was gonna be easy.

not so.

try hanging out with self-confessed kids with anger management issues. two of them told me they are on medication for ADD. let me just say that this assignment will be far from dull. these kids will make me work for my money.

x and y duked it out in the hallway over some stupid comment about yo' momma this and that. a teacher tried to break up the fight and he ended up getting hurt. x and y acted like bestfriends today. haay, boys will be boys.

z on the other hand is suspended for two days for slamming a girl's head against the locker after girl made a nasty comment about, you said it, z's momma.

not a lot of work was done because most of the day was spent trying to prevent the three from killing each other. z is one angry girl. she has a foul mouth, but i can tell she is hurting inside that is why she is acting up. x is a sweet kid who's just plain hyper and makulit. super kulit. y was a former student who just can not focus, antsy pantsy.


tomorrow, i'll bring in extra work and i'll give them a lesson on parts of speech. i hate not really teaching in my subbing job. maybe the three can learn something befire their suspension is over.

sleepless in jersey

i just got off ym talking to my dear friend M. it was great to reconnect with her again.

today, or rather, yesterday i subbed at the same kindergarten class. i saw my "fiance" who was thrilled to have me for half the day. i had fun with the munchkins.

later today, until thursday i will play teacher/warden to the 7th graders who got suspended for duking it out on the hallway. my principal nodded in approval when it was suggested that i take on this assignment.

well, the good thing about this assignment is i get to chill for the next three days and catch up on my reading while the two finish their school work.


i have dinner dates with R and G, on thursday and saturday respectively. fag hag is very happy to go out with her boys.

(love) the skin i'm in

music : bebot by the black eyed peas


okay, so it took me 7 years out of my 31 to finally embrace the skin i'm in. took me long enough huh? i suppose this acceptance of my skin color would not happen if i did not move here in the states.

in los banos, or in the philippines in general, dark-skinned girls are not as appreciated as fair skinned ladies or mestizas. i think the same goes with the filipino men in general. back there, if you are a girl and you are fair skinned, you are by default, pretty already.

i grew up with a complex of being the negra in the family.

"oops, brownout (power outage)! joffin you better smile so we can see you in the dark"
"is that a shadow? oh, it's only joffin"
"joffin, wear white at night so we can see you"

ita, ulikba, balbakwa. you name it. if it's dark or black, it's gotta be me. often i go to my dad, my face tear-stained after being walloped by taunts and jeers from the evil duo. i ask and blame him why i am so dark. he said it's not his fault, his family is fair skinned. it's mom's fault, she's the morena one.

great.


even in school. i was, for a time dubbed by some of x's friends as whoopi as in whoopi goldberg, because that was when sister act 1 and 2 came out. it didn't help that i played soccer for a time, so i was very dark indeed.

i tried to use bleaching lotion in high school when block and white first came out.

i had high hopes, thinking yey, puputi na ako! but then i stopped because who was i kidding?! i'll need industrial strength block and white for my skin. i even wrote a poem about that. about what would happen if i become obssessed with the bleaching lotion, maybe i'll block and white myself to invisibility?

when asked by friends about her son's girlfriend if the girlfriend is pretty or how is she (meaning me of course), my ex MIL would always answer : she's smart. asked if i was pretty? answer : she's smart. or she would remark about the girls in the neighborhood, "so and so is maputi (fair), she's pretty!" well, thank god i'm smart!

it doesn't help that i have several close friends who are very mestizo and mestiza. case in point? edong and fanny. those two look so european, you'd think they are foreigners. anyway, when i first met their mom, i felt so self-conscious because she can not stop talking about my "exotic" color. what? was i batik?! but no offense taken, she genuinely appreciated my dark skin color.

and so great migration.

living here made me appreciate the beauty of being brown skinned. i have a "tan" 24/7. people always think i've been vacationing in the beach somewhere. yeah? try driving around town, that's where i get my tan. moonshine is obsessed with self tanners because she is too fair, she thinks. my colleague suzanne goes to tanning salons in the spring because she doesn't like looking like a tall shapely bottle of "veiny milk" she says. one time on a wicked whim i almost walked in a tanning salon just to see the expression on the receptionist's face. but i was a good girl so i didn't.

i've come to love my skin color, i'm stuck with it anyway. it's not so bad after all, especially since northern NJ is very diverse. we have all shades of skin color here so i fit right in.

i still have issues with the sun and "tan lines" though. i try to stay away from the sun as much as i can, only because it leaves freakish tan lines on my body. if i drive when the sun is out and i wear a wristwatch, i have a tan line in an hour. some find it awesome. i don't.
on my last trip to maryland, in my excitement to see my friends, i forgot to change into a tank top for my drive. i got in bruce, strapped myself and drove in the heat of the afternoon. well whoopee-effing-do. when i got to lubs' place and i showered after my drive, i screamed in horror because i have a freaky tan line where the seatbelt sat across my chest. it was funny yes. funny like i have a beauty pageant sash across my body. yeah, i am miss freaking hawaiian tropic.

but sans mishaps like that, i am cool with my skin now. if i don't embrace it, who will, right?



so when asked where i get my tan, i smile and casually respond "from my beautiful mother."


amen.

i love you sabado

music : joss stone tell me what we're gonna do now

i'm tired, pooped and buzzed. all suzee and i had was a martini each (mangosteen martini for me and a lychee martini for her both very yummy), but that grey goose vodka kicks ass!

i played hooky at the liquor store today and i did a couple of errands. got a new well fitting pair of work pants because the pair i bought with moonshine last month lakes me look like a hiff-huff artist.

i tried to tutor richard, but even i fell asleep with his king arthur book. so i headed to see moonshine, matt and jonah. i had a great time. jonah is walking and running now. such a cutie.

i met up with suzanne and we had dinner at thai chef in the riverside square mall. i had mee kraub, she had a salad, a martini each for drinks and we both had green tea ice cream on top of sticky rice -- yum!

of course the night would not be complete without a trip to barnes and noble. i picked up a little white book of racy stories for jane, an encyclopedia of magical creatures for jop and an anthology of female vampire stories with neil gaiman's snow glass apples for durga.

we all went home very happy indeed.

now off to the mountains of tra-la-la.

have to go to mass tomorrow.

uy, banal-banalan.

a perfect fit

no this post is not about shoes, only a metaphor to the joy of affirming what i think is what is meant for me.

i subbed at the high school these past two days, and i freaking loved it! it gave me so much joy to be with this age group again. i am definitely going to work hard to get myself back in the high school classroom next year. please god, let me teach high school lit again.


yesterday i subbed for the spanish teacher at the academy. the academy is pretty much like rural high. this is the school for the smart kids -- the kids who exert more effort and who want to be pushed to their limits. these kids have an hour longer school day than the regular high school across the street. i felt like i was back home with these kids. they were a lot of fun. i met a few filipino students there and they were thrilled to have a filipina substitute teacher. a few cheeky juniors pledged allegiance to help me secure or help me look out for a teaching post next year only if i promise to teach senior english. ha! as if it's all up to me.


when i got in my car yesterday, i was excited to find out if i still have the durga touch with high school kids. my experience yesterday sealed that. yes, i am meant to teach high school. the kids were all worked up after their assigned work and we talked about oh almost everything. i learned another country yesterday -- i did not know that there is a country called Georgia, just south of russia. the georgia i know is the one north of florida. i also had a taste of the perils of teaching high school boys. we've been getting a lot of bad rap lately. teachers having affairs with students, which i find totally reprehensible.somehow, yesterday made me see how it is for weaker teachers who fall for silly child's play.

one cheeky senior thought it was cute to ask for my number. i gave him the number for DYFS, the Division for Youth and Family Services. this is the number to call to report child abuse and negligence and other issues. i would've given him the number for KB toys only i didn't know it by heart. he told me he was 18 and i said, i was 18 too, 13 years ago. i told him to go find somebody in the sandbox to play with. i'm done playing with boys.


the girls are a riot too. middle school girls are very tough. they are very resentful and stubborn. the high school girls are funny and they really crack me up. one of the girls wanted me to try her lip gloss on because she said it would look good on me, and of course i said, "is your lip gloss poppin?" and i burst into li'l mamma's song. the class burst out laughing. so yeah, yesterday, i was the coolest sub in the building.

but i don't play the cool card to be cool. i think i'm just naturally fit to deal with the teenager's mind. my sense of humor is just right for them, it's just the right amount of cheeky.


today i subbed for a well-loved technology teacher. and i got the freshmen. it was like a family reunion because these kids were the first batch of kids that i taught. i met up with all my "beloved" students, and you know what? they all love me now. one of them even took his shoe off even though he did not ask me for a pen, all in tribute to all the "good times" he had in my class. a lot of them complained about high school.
i told them it's just their freshman year, it's all going to get better.

of course in the midst of all the screams of joy upon seeing their old 6th grade teacher as a sub, i had to field questions about why i am subbing. i told them i thought i was moving to canada but i decided to stay. they all think i'm crazy to move to canada. a few of them remarked about how different i look. t, my truant student and b my little stinkbomber told me i look like i'm on drugs coz i lost a lot of weight. i told them i don't do drugs i just smoke pot. hahahahaha.

so goes the days of durga the happy wanna be high school teacher. please join me in my prayers that this padawan may teach high school again.

may the force be with me.

merry jane

background music : everything feels wrong by bree sharp


i knew something's gonna happen when i exchange my running shoes for a size 6 1/2. the shoewhore had her way and this happened :



i know i shouldn't have bought another pair of shoes, but that's like telling an addict that he/she should not take drugs. dammit, but these shoes were calling my name!!!

they're cute, i love 'em and i can't wait to wear them. i would've this morning, only it was raining so i'll have to wait for a subbing assignment next week to take these chicks out for a walk.

noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.

(almost) ready to run

music : ready to run by the dixie chicks


i did not sleep saturday night. like a zombie i went through the motions of my morning ritual. i did what i usually do during most sleepless nights -- i burned the phone line a made a trail of calls to a few of my friends and my mom back in the philippines.

then in the morning i went to j's house to get my check, then went to the mall in search of the perfect running shoes. i looked at lady footlocker, modell's, finish line, sports authority but i did not find what i was looking for. my last resort was DSW, and ssssssccchhhhwwwwiiiiiiinnnnnngggggg!!!!!!

the shoewhore scores!





don't these tootsies scream all my names in them?! it's puuurrrrffffeeeecttt! and you know what? they are so light too, so comfy! the best part is, they were not that expensive either - $75 including tax. not bad at all.

so srew you nike shox. i still don't like you and your $120+ price tag.


but wait, not just yet. the shoes i got were a bit too big, so i have to go back there tomorrow to exchange it with a half size smaller. damn, it's true what they say then, when one gains weight, the shoe size changes as well, and the same goes when you lose weight. sigh, i'll assess the damage of this weight loss to my shoe collection. sniff, sniff.


anyway, i got great deals on running gear from the lady footlocker so i got a couple of running pants and sports tops. i also got a few pairs of long sleeved shirts to go with the pants. it's getting chilly in the mornings when i run.


i had wanted to run in full battle running gear regalia today but it'll have to wait 'til i get my shoes exchanged.

lubsi, you are so right, there are a lot of cute running gear out there. i'll definitely take you up on that offer for a run next time i drive down there. jock-jockan na itoh!!!

repulsively wicked

i didn't have to go work until 12 today. my bus does not leave until 10:55. i woke up at 4:30 and after my morning ritual of checking my mail, playing the guitar, a cup of joe, i had of couple of hours to kill.

i finished the love curse of the rumbaughs and damn that book is simply disturbing. it's a YA book too. i'm surprised some parents heven't petition it to be banned yet.

it kinda reminds me of six feet under.

this book is told from the point of view of ivy. she tells of her obsession with the rumbaugh twins and her life. a lot of talk on taxidermy, eugenics and abnornal obsession with one's mother and the fear of losing one's mother over death. so stuff their mothers they did.

disturbing i tell you, but a genius.

i highly recommend this for halloween reading. i'm just spreading the love.

a lame pick-up line, and a day full of treats, sort of.

music : are you diggin on me? by joss stone


yippee, i got home "early" today.

the teacher i subbed for teaches 5th grade dual language so for today, i'm a professora. the class was very good, i must say. much tamer than yesterday's kindergartners. i had a boy named jesus, though. and i can't help but chuckle everytime i tell him to concentrate on his work and stop minding everybody else's business.

me : jesus, stop talking and mind your own business.
jesus, will you please be quiet? really.

yeah, it sounded perversely funny like that.


dual language classes are quite cool, but i must say i really need to learn a lot more spanish words. i tried reading a chapter on the chinook indians in the spanish history textbook. i think i understood only 20% of what i read. oh well.


i had two free periods today so i took the opportunity to go down to the local panera for lunch. i'ts been a while since i had their chicken tomesto sandwich. i also wanted to try moonshine's recommended drink, the chai latte. i got mine iced. it was yummy, but next time, i'll ask them to go easy on the sugar. so anyway, the cashier at panera was in flirt mode so he decided to hit on this hungry chick. i don't usually make small talk with clerks (unless, they're comic store/toy store clerks) but i'm no snob so i was polite. cheeky bastard asked me the usual questions, am i on break from work or school?
oh, you're substitute teacher?
how are the kids treating you?
i'd like to be in your class,

ladida-dida. so in my head i was, oh come on dude, all i want is to get my sandwich.
then when i handed him my money he just came up with "is it hot outside as well, coz it's hot in here. maybe because you're here."

no he didn't.
unfortunately, he did.

thank goodness jane did not laugh at his face. joffin just turned around and went straight to the bathroom, i didn't know who to feel embarrassed for, the guy or myself. i would've just walked out the back door but i had to wait for my sandwich, dammit. i just avoided the poor bloke.

that was just so lame.

note to self. stay away from the panera of that city.


back to the hall of justice...


so lately i've been telling my close friends about a minor inconvenience. lubs and richard said to buy toys. so i did.

i went to KB toys.


and look at what i got...



a new addition to my collection -- lady deathstrike. tee-hee. now i have to fish wolverine out of my toy box so she and he can duke it out. fun. fun.

i also got this



sweet huh? this'll do until i get my hands on the optimus prime convertible toy that matt talked about when we went apple picking. gotta have that. gotsa. gotsa.gotsta.


then i headed off to the public library to meet up with lynn, my librarian friend. yes, i am a librarian groupie. anyway, she tipped me off to two new books....



this is a twisted tale of twin taxidermists who stuffed their mom when she died.




and this one won the prince award.



to finish off my afternoon, i got me a venti




since j called for me to come in early and i can't drive all the way to mitsuwa for my green tea ice cream.

i tortured olivia for three hours today. i must say, it's been a great day of goodies.

it's back to the liquor store for me tomorrow after a run with j.she said she wants to run now too. great.


noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.

it's been a loooong day and night

music : rehab by amy winehouse

schwing!!!!


1. woke up at 4:30 this morning. couldn't go back to bed. checked the automated web based substitute program of my district and viola! i had 3 assignments to choose from. one was for the HS academy assignment, another was for a music teacher, and the last was for a kindergarten teacher subbing assignment. i chose the last one.

2. i had a class of 17 precocious kindergartners. boy, did i work hard for my pay today. there were fistfights, temper tantrums, a fire drill, a nosebleed, several crying bouts and song and dance numbers from yours truly to keep that class on its toes.

3. bless you pre-school and elementary school teachers. i dunno how you do it. i think the younger the students are, the harder it is to teach them. of course a lot of you might think otherwise. this is why i know i am best suited to teach high school. i can handle my classes easily.

4. a cute but very mercurial 6 year old student of mine asked me to marry him. he got on his knees and proposed with his chocolate pudding. this after i kissed his boo-boo on the finger. he's sweet, but very very moody. he threw a fit when i told him i need to hold so and so's hand because she wanted to be my walking buddy on the way to the cafeteria. when i told him that hitting is not good he scowled at and told me that i don't like him anymore. sigh. these kids.


5. now i remember why i quit teaching pre-school aside from becoming very disturbed that my morning shower repertoire consisted of nursery rhymes -- i just can't be the best pre-school teacher -- those kids are too young to be infected by my sarcastic bite.


6. after school today i went home, rested for an hour and headed to johnson field for a serious workout. ahem ahem. i jogged 4 rounds today alternated by 6 rounds of brisk walking. so yeah, i feel sore all over, dammit. but jane the jock is a happy camper. i ought to get them running shoes real soon.


7. had a lesson with j today which was basically a storytelling session for an hour. i tutored olivia for 1 1/2 hours, an hour's worth of tuck everlasting and half an hour's worth of the revolutionary war.

8. the bonus for tonight is i got to eat yummy and spicy korean soup.

9. the bad news is i didn't make it home until way past 9 pm.

10. i have a subbing assignment tomorrow - i'm gonna be a sub for a dual language teacher in one of the elementary schools.

11. i'd write more about subbing, but i'm just too darn exhausted. maybe tomorrow.


12. i could really use a cup of mitsuwa's soft serve green tea ice cream.

13. i've added the police's "every breath you take" in my guitar accompanied repertoire. tee-hee. it's sweet.


noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.

it's monday morning, and the shoewhore laments

music: sir psychosexy by rhcp


i want to sock murphy and his law. so here i am awake and ready to take calls for a subbing job and my home phone is mute. oh well, i can always use a day off to work in the apartment.

so on saturday, i went to j's house for a round of exercise. we went to johnson field in her town to walk on the track, for olivia had a soccer game. it was a beautiful day for the outdoors anyway, so we'll save tae-bo for the colder weather. i attempted to jog one round around the track and i did it! it was a killer, but i think i can alternate it with brisk walking. i figured one round is probably half a mile, so maybe i can jog two miles for starters.

yey, aeus, i think i just might start running soon! forget my abnormal obssession with the way i run. i don't care anymore. you see, being sakang, i've been a bit conscious about the way i run. i think i look a bit retarded running. with soccer, it's okay, the ball is right in front of me. with basketball too. playing point guard didn't bother my consciousness about the way i run too. all i thought while dribbling the ball was bitches better get out of my way or they'd get fouled or i'd get an offensive foul myself. tough shit.


but as usual, i digress.

i went online a few minutes ago in search of a pair of running shoes. i figured my puma sneakers won't be good enough for running -- the cushion won't do. so surf the net i did, young padawan. the force was not with me. ugly running shoes, found i did. but the force eludes me in my quest.


the running shoes i saw were just plain fugly. the shoewhore is upset. but she knows that she better take care of her feet because her mom had issues with hers due to poor cushioning. we don't want that, do we?


i am a brand loyalist, so i would prefer to get a pair of puma running shoes, but now i don't know, running shoes look like freaking speedboats, or some kind of amphibious vehicle. (roll your eyes here now)


i used to be a nike fan, but i switched over to puma and i think i'm staying with puma. nike shoes are expensive and honestly they do not look flattering to me. the last pair i owned were a cool pair of camo green ACGs, but i think they stopped making those.

anyway....

so, i'll keep my eyes open for a pair of not so fugly running shoes. what do you think of this one? this is the only one i kinda like so far.

how do you like them apples?

music : peaches by the presidents of the united states of america

today's snapshot




me and charly right before filling our baskets with them apples




i had a date to go apple picking with the fantastic four (moonshine,matt, kim and joey) plus the two super babies, jonah and hollie.


moonshine, matt and jonah





kim joey and hollie

seven years here in the states and every autumn i've wanted to go apple picking. but no. there's always something else to do, or i've nobody to go with. and so, bruce,amy, zen, click and i cruised through one hour of jersey highway driving to the town of harding where wightman's farm is located.






a beautiful day


i got there half an hour earlier than our appointment. i took the opportunity to sit and read a book by h.p. lovecraft that i picked up at border's yesterday. he's really good. scary as poe so far.

anyway, the fantastic four and the two babies came and we headed off to pick them apples. i think there were about 4 varieties ready for picking. so pick 'em we did.



kimmy, moi and charly



armed with poles and baskets, we picked off apples to our hearts' delight. moonshine and kimmy got two baskets each. they are both going to do a lot of baking and cooking. as for me, i ended up with 9 lbs. worth of freaking apples. something tells me i'm gonna get real sick of them this week. boy oh boy. hey, an apple a day, right? with me, i think i'll have to eat three. whoopie doo. my sweat and pee will probably smell of apples, just wait.

apples, apples everywhere


i passed up on the opportunity to go on the hayride. this boondock girl grew up with farmfolks. we may not have hayrides, we have one even better and environment friendly, it's called the carabao cart,




and my playmates and i used to ride it to go to the ricefields in the summer. i went to the farm's market and got me a bottle of local sweet red wine, a loaf of banana bread, a small tin of banana butter, a small tin of apple butter and a quart of apple cider vinegar.

the early to midmorning started out pretty chilly, but by noon, the sun was at its full fury. guess who got another shade of tan? i've had enough of the sun for today. i sauntered out of harding by 2:30. i headed back home and made it here by 4.

jersey drivers are an impatient lot. i passed by a tollbooth by the garden state parkway and fuckwit behind me was upset that i was fumbling for coins. i didn't pass by that blasted toolbooth on my way to the farm okay? so instead of dropping $.70 on the basket, i probably tossed about $1.50 worth of change, dammit.


so i'm back here in the apartment, and i am on katulong (maid) mode. and something tells me i'd better start eating one of my 48 thousand apples.

noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.

i am not your mami

music : bebot by Black Eyed Peas

generally, americans are a loving lot. most of them call you honey or some other sweet name if they don't know or they can't remember your name. it took me awhile to get used to such casual name substitutes.

i think culturally we have a bit of that too, but mostly it's used by older family members to the young ones. elders call little girls nene or ineng and hija, and toto or totoy or hijo for little boys. my dad used to call me little princess (yuck) and i would always scowl at this. i told him to call me his little princess only if that princess wears jeans.

growing up, i think we used nicknames or petnames to address each other lovingly. since my name is so prone to mispronunciations, it was shortened to a few varieties like jop, or jop-jop. fanny and edong call me jupi. aeus calls me froda from my LOTR addiction. most of my college brods and sisses call me mamajop. here i'm simply joffin.


when i lived in west new york, a predominantly hispanic neighborhood, i got a taste of "mami". i know it's supposed to be sweet and all, but i don't like it. orestes, the funny and genial laundromat owner in my neighborhood used to call me mami and i snapped back at him one day and said "no soy su mami, soy nadie mami" (i am not your mami, i am nobody's mami). he apologized profusely. after my brush with the 400 pound raving washerwoman, i was forever tagged as "la filipina".

there's this cocky 8th grader in school who likes to piss me off. he hides under the protection of his bilingual class when i tell him off and always says "no habla ingles." everytime he sees me he greets me "hola mi mamita!" and winks at me. cheeky bastard. of course i am tempted to tell him to go to hell, but i smile back and mutter it under my breath.

at work these days, our customers call all the girls mami. what joy. i'd rather they call me "hoy!" i don't really know what it is, but there is something phonetically unappealing with mami or papi. i just can't bring myself to say it to other people, much more get used to it.

don't get me wrong. i can be sweet too. i call olivia my cutie and i call charly my moonshine, richard g, i call my chocnut, edong my boy gulay (veggie boy). i have names or titles for most of my friends, but that's it. most of the time i stick to people's names and just smile when i forget them.

so it'll take a while for me not to involuntarily shudder everytime someone yells mami at my direction. i'll have to train my right eyebrow not to arch whenever i hear it. one of the stockguys got scared when he saw this joffin trademark. he apologized again and again. poor guy.

so no more eyebrow arching. i ball my fingers in a fist to prevent my middle finger from sticking out. we don't want to get fired now, do we?


call me a snob. call me cold. call me a bitch. but don't call me mami.

Dad

music : landslide by fleetwod mac

My dad celebrated his 53rd birthday three days ago. A pity that I can’t call him because I don’t even know where he is. The last time I spoke to him wasn’t a happy occasion, but then again I’ve never been cheerbear.


I don’t even have a picture of him to post in this blog. Pathetic, no? I have nothing. I have nothing tangible that he gave me. The heart necklace was snatched from me. The gold bracelet, I’ ve long ago pawned. The notebook he gave me, I broke. The collection of E.A. Poe stories he gave me is somewhere in the UPRHS library, part of my collection that I donated when I moved here. I even lost that one silver Parker ballpoint pen engraved with my name and christian name, I lost it then and it didn’t matter much, I hated my christian name. It sounded so wimpy to my already weird name.


But the intangible lot that my father gave me, it’s all here.

I have his eyes - the same medium brown color. I have his brows - the same angular pair that arch at any given stimulus - pleasant or otherwise.

I have his hair - the same fine dark brown mop of hair that has a mind of its own. It’s straight one day and curly the next.

I have his teeth- straight and strong. So strong they broke my dentist’s tool the last time I had one of my wisdom teeth pulled out. Thanks dad, Ninang said I still have one tooth in there somewhere. And so my visits to the Philippines always include a visit to her clinic, not just for cleaning, but also for some procedure.

I have his walk- the same bowlegged swagger that earned me a reputation in school as a tomboy.It wasn’t on purpose, it’s natural ,like my two feet are angry at each other. This is why it is very uncomfortable for me to wear heels. I am sakang. That’s that.

I have his temper - the same short fuse that just about explodes when I am trapped in the company of ignorant people. The same temper that gets to me when I drive with a bunch of idiots.


And like him, I mostly wear my heart on my sleeve, and this is what bites me back in the ass.


People always say that I am very much my mother’s daughter. Yes, I look very much like her, I sound very much like her, but the things above, she would even tell you, I got from my dad.


Father-daugher relationships are indeed very fragile. Mine is no different. Because I am so much like my mom, my dad and I always butt heads. Thinking about it now, I think it is also because I am in part like him that makes it even explosive when he and I spend time together.


When I was younger, my dad was most preoccupied in making a girl of me. He gave me a pair of Barbie dolls so I can have “normal” girl toys. I was more interested in playing with my brother’s remote control cars and Lego sets. He often lamented that his firstborn is a boy. He tried desperately to make me more feminine. I remember one trip we had to the mall, he outfitted me in pink. I looked like a freaking cotton candy stick. I like pink now. I dyed my hair pink once. I wear pink too, but mostly I wear it with black. ( I have pink shoes, dad. You’re gonna hate it. And I like it like that.)

He wanted me to take up sports in high school, something graceful like swimming, or tennis, or volleyball. Well I took up sports alright. I took Tae Kwon Do, Soccer and Basketball.

He wanted me to have in interest in music. Something soulful like jazz. He’s such a jazz enthusiast. I like music, something soulful too. It’s called rock. He wanted me to learn how to play an instrument so I can be “cultured.” Something divine like piano or the violin even. I played an instrument – my voice, and with it I became part of an alt/ rock band in college, and boy there’s a lot of culture involved in that too. I play the guitar now. It’s not jazz that I play, but I sure can make him cry. ( Maybe one day I’ll play him a Fleetwood Mac song.)

He wanted me to become a doctor. I wanted to become a lawyer so I can sue his ass. He shut me down and told me I can’t be a lawyer because I have too big a heart. Well, I didn’t become a doctor. I didn’t become a lawyer. I am teacher, and that must’ve hurt him too, because my mom’s one kick ass teacher.


Funny how I only spent seven years with him, yet I picked up a couple of things that I still believe in these days.

That a shower before bedtime is imperative. He always told me and made me shower before I got to bed, no matter how tired I am. He told me I have to smell clean and be clean before I sleep so in my dreams I smell clean and fresh too. He said if I go to bed stinky, my dreams would probably stink too. So yes, I take a shower before I go to bed. Even in the winter. Even when my teeth are chattering from the cold, I take a shower before bedtime. I take another shower when I wake up. Don’t ask me why. I just do. In the warm months, I take more then two showers. And always, I make sure I smell good. I do. Ask any of my friends. I do smell good. My dad ingrained that in my being.

I do not walk when I smoke. My dad said that girls who walk while they smoke look like streetwalkers. These days I wish I just learned not to smoke. I walk more, so that’s a good thing. But in college, I never walked and smoked at the same time. Ask me where the logic is. There is none.



My dad can figure me out like an open book. And I hate it when he’s right. He is the only person who can tell when I am upset. He knows because my lips are upturned unnaturally.


Despite our differences, my dad cares a lot about me. This is sore topic for my mom because my dad does not treat my brothers equally. If anything happens to me, my dad will find a way to get to me. A terrible thing happened 7 years ago when I came face to face with a gun. It was a nightmare. The night after the incident, my dad showed up at my grandparent’s house all panicked at what happened to me. I was more or less composed at that time. He wasn’t. He was so upset, he told me he’s going to get a gun for me so I can protect myself. He said he will hunt down the bastard who pointed a gun at me. As usual, I sighed a deep sigh and told him how stupid he sounded. Why the fuck would I want to carry a gun when a gun was just pointed at me? Logic please. I told him I know he’s trying to be sweet, but he’s more retarded than sweet. I walked out on him and let him deal with my mom.


When X messed up and I was left to deal with his shit, I wanted to talk to my dad and just cry. It’s really ironic considering he should be the last person I should talk to, but that little girl in me just wanted to tell her dad that she’s been hurt. My dad called me up so I can call him back. I don’t know who was sadder, him or me. He told me that even though I “hated” him most of my life, when I get hurt, he will always get more hurt. If I get hurt, he will always cry for me. And you know what, it felt good telling him what happened. At that moment, I wasn’t 31 years old, I felt like I was 5 with a big ass scrape on my knee crying my eyes out, and there was his 27 year old self, blowing the pain away.


That was several months ago. I am still here, still standing. Standing strong and hopeful that everything will work out just fine. I hope and pray that as my dad starts another year, he can find his way back to peace and yes, maybe finally happiness. I told him happiness is overrated.
But, we all deserve a little bit of happiness.


Happy Birthday, Dad.


From your feisty firstborn,

Joffin-Mari (Therese)

the A train

background music : mrs. robinson by the lemonheads

yesterday i hopped on the A train to take me to the GWB Bus Terminal. The terminal was 32 blocks from my work. It's not a really long ride, probably 4 stops, but four stops is more than enough when you get to ride with crazy people.

well lucky me, instant mami. i rode with a mother and son crazy tandem. the mom was elderly and bound on a wheelchair. her son, not that much younger than her is another crazy person. mom would yodel eee-iii-eee-iii -ooo every two minutes. and her equally crazy son would always tell her to "stop that" after which he would hum the same old mac donald tune.

i wish i'd brought my zen mp3 player so i can "ignore" these two fools. today i did, maybe i looked crazy to some people, me shaking my head lipsynching regina spektor and MIA.

today i met the wonderful world of wines at work. methinks i'm gonna use my 20% employee discount to score me a cool bottle of domestic Riesling aptly named kung fu girl.




hey-aaaaaah! wapang! kachang!

noo-ni-noo-ni-noo

pooped

music : one angry dwarf by ben fold's five


okay. i literally just got home 10 minutes ago. how pathetic is that? i've been up since 5am, went to j for power walk at 8:30. worked from 11-5. took a train, then bus to j's house. tutored j and olivia until 9pm.

thank goodness my exercise despot has decided to give me free time tomorrow. yey! i can run in the morning, do my food shopping before i hop on the bus to work.

today, n taught me how to make price labels and barcode stickers for wines that don't have barcodes.

i also witnessed my first irate customer showdown. good thing he wasn't angry with me. well, he kinda snarled at me and told me "well, finally, someone spoke english in this store!" he was not a happy tippler, that one.

work is okay, still optimistic. i learned a lot about wines today. tomorrow, i don't know what j will have me do. my co workers are fine. they just speak spanish most of the time, unmindful of the fact that i can understand what they're saying.

first day at work

background music : stand by R.E.M.


i made it through my first day. hip freakin' hooray. today is day 2. noo-ni-noo-ni-noo. yesterday i left my apartment at 7:45. i didn't make it home until about 8:15pm. man, i sure wish this is not my daily schedule. here were yesterday's highlights

1. j and really intent on making me her exercise biatch. we power walked down and up the cliffs in record time yesterday. we worked out from 8:30 am 'til 10 am. dang! why do i have to suffer?! i can lose weight on my own.

2. halmoni (j's housekeeper and cook) insists that i do not love her as much because i refuse to eat her special korean rice.


3. i love that i can wear jeans to work.

4. i love that i can wear my pumas to work.

5. need to remember to wear longish tops because i've been bending a lot to refill the bottom shelves.

6. brush up on my spanish. most of my coworkers in the floor are dominicans. nice bunch of peeps.


7. no matter where i go, some people can really peg me as asian. i took a leisurely stroll on the block of my new hood, minding my own business and a bunch fuckwits decide to be funny and said 5 of my hated words "me love you long time."
argh!!! and i thought i looked inconspicuous. i thought, hey you know, i'm the right shade of brown, right hair color, more or less the same build (okay maybe not). ah whatever. i decided to just let it go. i was too stunned to react. something tells me i better befriend the stock boys so i can have muscle in this neighborhood.


8. i wear a maroon apron while working.the only apron i like to wear is mine. it's black and it says kitchen bitch on it. oh well, it could be worse . i could be wearing a fugly hat. ewww.

9. my manager said i'm smart. (really? then why did i quit my job?!) only 6 hours into the job, she quizzed me all day long about where i can find the different liquor in the store. today, she said, we're going to learn about wine.

10. i get 20% off as an employee.

11. standing most of the 6 hours is not fun.

12. always bring a bottle of scented hand sanitizer. money is dirty.

13. i sure can write a lot of stories just meeting the crazy people who walk in and out of the store.



today, i'm going to try to do my laundry before i head off to exercise with j. so much for being an idiot. now i know i really love teaching. give me them snotty, potty mouthed and gramatically challenged children anytime. please.

i heart spider jerusalem

background music : galang by M.I.A.

i have a new crush. his name is spider jerusalem.





why am i always one of the last people to know about great things? i swear, i am on uber delayed reaction. everytime. i got into sandman 14 years after it came out. and now this, i am obssessed with spider jerusalem. come on, pangalan pa lang panalo na.

this guy is so bad ass, he reminds me of my other comic book crush Lobo. though i must say spider is way cuter, and he's smart too, being this foul mouthed chain smoking,gun-toting journalist. i'd have to get used to the bald head though. in terms of hair, Lobo wins.




so, i leafed through my book 0 of transmetropolitan, and i am so hooked. a spider jerusalem action figure? hell yeah.

hey batjay, thanks for the tip on this one. you never fail to give the best recommendations on graphic novels and music. you, me and jet should go to next year's comic con in san diego.

hint hint candy. can i stay over at your place next year. please?! i promise to be good.

sigh. i'll be humming the spiderman theme all day long at the liquor store today. noo-ni-noo-ni-noo.