(love) the skin i'm in

music : bebot by the black eyed peas


okay, so it took me 7 years out of my 31 to finally embrace the skin i'm in. took me long enough huh? i suppose this acceptance of my skin color would not happen if i did not move here in the states.

in los banos, or in the philippines in general, dark-skinned girls are not as appreciated as fair skinned ladies or mestizas. i think the same goes with the filipino men in general. back there, if you are a girl and you are fair skinned, you are by default, pretty already.

i grew up with a complex of being the negra in the family.

"oops, brownout (power outage)! joffin you better smile so we can see you in the dark"
"is that a shadow? oh, it's only joffin"
"joffin, wear white at night so we can see you"

ita, ulikba, balbakwa. you name it. if it's dark or black, it's gotta be me. often i go to my dad, my face tear-stained after being walloped by taunts and jeers from the evil duo. i ask and blame him why i am so dark. he said it's not his fault, his family is fair skinned. it's mom's fault, she's the morena one.

great.


even in school. i was, for a time dubbed by some of x's friends as whoopi as in whoopi goldberg, because that was when sister act 1 and 2 came out. it didn't help that i played soccer for a time, so i was very dark indeed.

i tried to use bleaching lotion in high school when block and white first came out.

i had high hopes, thinking yey, puputi na ako! but then i stopped because who was i kidding?! i'll need industrial strength block and white for my skin. i even wrote a poem about that. about what would happen if i become obssessed with the bleaching lotion, maybe i'll block and white myself to invisibility?

when asked by friends about her son's girlfriend if the girlfriend is pretty or how is she (meaning me of course), my ex MIL would always answer : she's smart. asked if i was pretty? answer : she's smart. or she would remark about the girls in the neighborhood, "so and so is maputi (fair), she's pretty!" well, thank god i'm smart!

it doesn't help that i have several close friends who are very mestizo and mestiza. case in point? edong and fanny. those two look so european, you'd think they are foreigners. anyway, when i first met their mom, i felt so self-conscious because she can not stop talking about my "exotic" color. what? was i batik?! but no offense taken, she genuinely appreciated my dark skin color.

and so great migration.

living here made me appreciate the beauty of being brown skinned. i have a "tan" 24/7. people always think i've been vacationing in the beach somewhere. yeah? try driving around town, that's where i get my tan. moonshine is obsessed with self tanners because she is too fair, she thinks. my colleague suzanne goes to tanning salons in the spring because she doesn't like looking like a tall shapely bottle of "veiny milk" she says. one time on a wicked whim i almost walked in a tanning salon just to see the expression on the receptionist's face. but i was a good girl so i didn't.

i've come to love my skin color, i'm stuck with it anyway. it's not so bad after all, especially since northern NJ is very diverse. we have all shades of skin color here so i fit right in.

i still have issues with the sun and "tan lines" though. i try to stay away from the sun as much as i can, only because it leaves freakish tan lines on my body. if i drive when the sun is out and i wear a wristwatch, i have a tan line in an hour. some find it awesome. i don't.
on my last trip to maryland, in my excitement to see my friends, i forgot to change into a tank top for my drive. i got in bruce, strapped myself and drove in the heat of the afternoon. well whoopee-effing-do. when i got to lubs' place and i showered after my drive, i screamed in horror because i have a freaky tan line where the seatbelt sat across my chest. it was funny yes. funny like i have a beauty pageant sash across my body. yeah, i am miss freaking hawaiian tropic.

but sans mishaps like that, i am cool with my skin now. if i don't embrace it, who will, right?



so when asked where i get my tan, i smile and casually respond "from my beautiful mother."


amen.