disappearing a**

music : headturner by joss stone

warning : rant alert. this post is a litany of jane's whining about losing weight, so skip this if you have no more patience for today.


i just came from target to get a card to go with my pasalubong for a friend. of course i lost my way in the women's clothing section and picked up a pair of black leggings and a pair of brown work pants. again. in the past three weeks i've purchased and have altered three different pants in three different sizes. my aunt told me this whole weight loss thing will be an exciting experience for me, shopping wise. not really since i don't really have the money to buy new clothes, and believe me i need new clothes because 80% of my clothes do not fit me anymore.

i feel bad because i love my old clothes. even though i was fat (yes, virginia, i can say it, i was fat, that's the truth)i had cute and trendy clothes. i love dressing up for work. now my cute frocks are packed in suitcases waiting to be shipped to my mom where they will find new homes to love and wear them. sigh. i feel stupid for giving away to salvation army bags and bags of clothes which were too tight on me, back in the summer. but come to think of it, even those won't fit me now.

i find myself playing a game of catch with some of my clothes. i have been guilty of shopping for cute tops which were a size smaller for me in the hope that one day i would fit into them. i know this is a fashion no-no, but for this instance, i can say it's very rewarding. i just remembered i had a mustard yellow cute top that i've never worn, but purchased 2 years ago. i put it on yesterday and it fits perfectly! but this is a rarity. i have gone from a size twelve to a size 6 in five months and i was too clueless to enjoy my size 10 clothes of "leaner" years. and you know what, the pair of pants i bought today were a size 4. madre de dios. if i hit a size 2 make me go to rehab.

and don't get me started on shoes. most of my shoes are loose now. i think i'm back to a 6 1/2 dammit.

i don't even want to think about underwear. i might just cry.

okay bitchslap me now. i know i should be happy that i lost weight and i feel really good about myself, much lighter i guess, but one can not be happy when one does not have the money to buy clothes that fit.

so you'd yell at me and say "stop losing weight already!" i'm trying, really. it's not like i'm on a strict diet or something. neither am i starving myself. i just eat small portions and i stay away from rich, fat and carb laden food. i almost don't eat rice. i have no bigas at home. i jokingly told candy that when X walked out of the house, so did rice.

it's just that food does not hold that much allure to me anymore. eating for me, is a necessity. and dining? for me it's a social thing. i eat when i'm with friends, otherwise i eat for sustenance. later today i'll be dining with gay bf #3 in the city, so i'll be eating alright.


i'm still going to jog, i'll still eat right, but i think i'll stop losing weight for now (okay maybe 5 more lbs?) before my ass disappears from the face of this earth.