independence day

background music : last goodbye by jeff buckley

i got divorced today.

i am single now.

i even got to reclaim by birth name.


name change

of course i was very tempted to change it to wonderwoman, or maybe jane gunne, but i kept the name my parents gave me. for a while i even wanted my name to be durga. but today of all days i just happy to be back to ol' me : JM(T)PB.




men in black

and i'm not talking about will smith and tommy lee jones.

a long time ago, a mayor, wearing a black toga officiated my marriage in a civil ceremony. he was the mayor of the borough X lived in at that time. today at around 12 noon, another honorable man, wearing a similar black gown, officially and legally severed the ties that bound me to a man who was my husband of 6 1/2 years.


congratulations

i told some of my friends, who i consider my family, of the change of status. most of them were happy and said congratulations. i was happy to be on the phone so i didn't have to show a reaction or a facial expression. some of my friends were quick to add "you know what we mean" to their congratulations. my mom and aunts were also happy at my news. my mom said congratulations like i won the lottery. i suppose i can understand my mother. which mother would not be affected by a child's heartache anyway? especially since she was not able to comfort me in person. i have not seen her in two years so i know, for her, an ending to this ordeal was a happy one.

peelings

how is one suppsed to feel about ending a marriage anyway? i guess there is joy and relief for those who are victims of abuse and violence. as for me, as much as i am relieved that i have closed this chapter in my life, i could not help but feel a little bit sad at the end of things.
it's a kind of sad you feel after the end of a movie or after a sad story. that's it. it's done. it's over. goodbye.

i have thought and agonized about this day. how would i feel? will i be angry and say something nasty? will i just bawl my eyes out unexpectedly at the slightest provocation? i almost drove myself sleepless at such thoughts until jane snapped me out of it and knocked some sense in my head.

i would feel what i feel when i need to feel it.

i can not expect anything.

i don't expect anything anymore.

besides, i don't think anybody would wish for such sadness deliberately. i know for sure, as a little girl, i did not wish nor say "when i grow up, i want to be divorced!" kinda like not one little girl says " when i grow up, i want to be a prostitute." it just doesn't go that way. of course i hoped for a happily ever after.

but that was not for me, not with X anyway.

the most important thing that i got from this closure is this : that despite the sad and painful way things turned out to be, i came out a bit bruised, but still standing. that despite having lost a loved one, so much love was showered upon me by God so that i have more love to give and share with my family, friends, students and who knows, that one person who i can have a happily ever after with.

bear with this mushy post dear reader. jane has got a heart too, you know.